


my silver lining

by lanasmyfeather



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, but fluff, slightly angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanasmyfeather/pseuds/lanasmyfeather
Summary: Climbing the stairs two at a time with her heels on was nothing out of the ordinary for Jen Harding, the loud thumps giving her a powerful feeling. She wanted to slam her door as soon as she made it inside of her bedroom, but the goal was to not attract attention. The last thing she wanted or needed was someone coming in, asking her about her feelings.Ugh, feelings.- - -jen/judy. some angst, soul searching and fluff.
Relationships: Judy Hale & Jen Harding, Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 87





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> sooo, this is my first attempt at dtm fan fiction and yeah, i hope you guys like it! let me know in comments pls, pretty pls? english is also not my first language so there might be some mistakes, sorry!  
> also i have no idea how many chapters there will actually be but several none the less.   
> thanks to my sis for being the one to read this and encourage me to write it, love u!

Rushing out of the kitchen was the only thing she could do to gain some sort of control over herself and her suddenly raging emotions. She was pretty sure she uttered enough words to the people she left behind to explain her actions, and at least for now she was not followed. Which she was more than a little grateful for.

Climbing the stairs two at a time with her heels on was nothing out of the ordinary for Jen Harding, the loud thumps giving her a powerful feeling. She wanted to slam her door as soon as she made it inside of her bedroom, but the goal was to not attract attention. The last thing she wanted or needed was someone coming in, asking her about her feelings.

Ugh, feelings.

Closing the door, she stepped in fully and awkwardly moved her arms on her sides. She hadn’t realised she had forgotten her wine glass downstairs and right now that felt like a crime against her. Drinking had somewhat gotten out of hand lately but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Right now, she just needed a drink to dull her mind a bit more.

But here she was, alone in her bedroom, without alcohol. So instead she threw herself on the bed and pushed her face into one of the many decorative pillows. And she screamed.

She had insisted on soft, almost silky pillows when they had decorated their bedroom and her husband - well, her **ex** husband as things had taken quite a turn - had barely even looked at her when he told her to get what she wanted. And right now she was pretty _fucking_ happy to have chosen these pillows. Because screaming into a scratchy pillow would be so much more uncomfortable than screaming into a cloud like abyss.

Loud laughing reached her ears from all the way downstairs and that made her roll on her back. She was listening, just listening. The words were completely muffled but there were several speakers and the tone was excited. Another roar of laughter gave Jen shivers and she closed her eyes.

Tears were slowly falling down her face, leaving traces in her foundation and her mascara was slowly starting to smudge. With every breath, she counted slowly to six, trying to keep the bubbling sob as deep within her as she could. She didn’t want to alarm anyone, nor did she want to feel this way. Not now, not again.

But her chest had started to ache downstairs and she had needed her privacy. Because she was. Feeling things, that is.

She opened her eyes and for once the room wasn’t spinning, which was the most unusual. As of late her life had become one fucked up carousel, going in every and all possible directions known to mankind, in alarming speed, often fuelled with too much wine. But right now, the carousel had stopped even if it was for a moment.

Jen was almost too scared to think too much about it, in fear that the millionth shoe would drop and she would have to deal with yet another new misfortune.

Exhaustion was pulling her eyelids down, her body slowly relaxing and before she knew it, the sleep that had been clawing her took over.

Jen vaguely remembered waking up when the boys had come to wish her good night. Charlie had tried casually asking how she was but she had only had strength to take his hand and mumble something about sleeping. She would talk to him tomorrow.

But what roused her from her dreamless sleep more than she let on in the moment, was when someone started moving the excessive amount - yeah she might have gone a bit crazy, out of spite - of pillows to the ground. There was rather impressive tactics applied to the covers that she was still laying on because in no time they no longer were under her.

Squeezing her eyes shut even more, almost to the point where her face hurt, Jen just waited to see what was going to happen next. And she was in for another surprise.

Soft hands took a gentle hold of her ankles as her heels were pulled off slowly. There was some mumbling at the end of the bed, but she couldn’t make out the words. Attempting to keep her body as still as possible was turning out to be more of a challenge than she had anticipated.

It was very quiet for a long time, and she almost fell asleep again, when suddenly she was covered with her heavy duvet. She had gotten that very soon after Ted had died, needing the feeling of weight. Sure they hadn’t had the model marriage, hell they barely even touched each other, but none the less, it had always felt nice to have someone sleep next to you.

It seemed like this evening was filled with curve balls that she didn’t know what to do with because someone snuggled her very quickly and effectively. And she knew exactly who that was. She had known all along, as soon as the feeling of safety had laid on her like a blanket.

No one had ever made the effort to not wake her like the brunette who had literally changed every single bit of her life with her actions and with her irresistible character. The gentleness of her touch while removing her heels, or covering her for warmth. And snuggling.

Judy was very good at that.

What surprised Jen was that instead of Judy covering her from the back, the brunette had wiggled her arms open to be her little spoon. It was too peculiar to ignore and Jen had to breathlessly question it.

“What are you doing?”

It was like the brunette knew she had been awake the entire time because she wasn’t at all phased by the question that came out of nowhere.

“You were on my side.”

Jen looked around a little bit, a futile attempt in the darkness of the room, but it was enough to realise that she was indeed. On Judy’s side of the bed.

She had no idea when all of it had happened, but one day they just had sides. Jen was on the left and Judy was on the right. She had her things on the nightstand, her blanket tucked securely under the pillow and her perfume was just everywhere.

Everywhere.

Jen hadn’t been able to answer, too busy thinking too hard but that didn’t seem to bother Judy at all. She somehow snuggled so close that their bodies were touching _everywhere_.

“Hold me, please.”

And Jen didn’t hesitate. It seemed like the easiest decision to make today - maybe ever - to wrap her arms tightly around Judy’s form. The shirt she had on was restricting her hold a little bit, but she didn’t mind. Because she had done what Judy had asked her, to make her happy. And even when she didn’t want to really think of it too much, she was happy too.

It was rather unbelievable what being around someone who understood her so well was like. They were different, almost opposites actually, but they were complimenting each other so fully. And that scared Jen more than anything, almost more than killing someone.

Because this was new and uncharted for her. And the feelings that it had recently stirred inside of her were terrifying. She didn’t know what to do.

Except press her face tightly into the back of Judy’s neck and let her calm breathing lull her back into deep sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Softness.

Just deep, soul rooted softness and it was surrounding her ever so gently. Jen was aware of the fact that she was no longer fully asleep, but oh how she wished she could stay like this forever.

“Jen.” a whisper was penetrating through the dreamy haze the blonde was still fully enjoying. When in other cases she would have considered it disruptive, this time it had the most delightful effect on her.

“Jen.”

There it was again, said a bit louder than the first time. However this time it was accompanied with a palm pressed against her cheek. Without thinking too much about it, Jen pressed her face closer to the hand and the comfort it brought her.

“Come on sleepy head, we have to get up.” there was a giggle mixed in between the words and Jen opened her eyes to meet the ones of the brunette sitting cross legged next to her in the bed. Jen had no idea when Judy had changed to her normal sleep attire but she looked absolutely adorable with her bangs shooting in different directions and her gentle smile and her -

Wait, adorable?

Judy wasn’t adorable, no. Nope. Absolutely not.

That was when the blonde jerked her head away and sat up quickly. By doing that she missed the confused look that crossed Judy’s face. She needed to get this under control as it was starting to get ridiculous. Since when did she get so _mushy_?

“Are you alright?”

Of course Judy had to ask. Of course she noticed whenever there was something bothering her. Jen appreciated it, she really did because no one had ever really cared for her the way Judy did but right now there was nothing she could say, especially since what was bothering her had to do with the brunette herself.

“I’m alright, thanks Jude.” Jen whispered, mustering a smile that was not very convincing.

Judy looked her intently for a while, pursing her lips and Jen willed her not to say anything. And she was in luck.

“You are not fooling me but I will let it go. We have to get up though. We have to feed our boys.”

And with that she got up, put on her slipper and headed for the door. She left it open, inviting Jen to follow which she quickly did, but her mind was stuck on Judy calling Charlie and Henry their boys.

Because more or less, that’s what they were. They had at some point gone from hers to theirs. And in her minds turmoil she could only realise that she didn’t mind one bit.

Henry had been up before any of them but he always directed himself in front of the tv to wait for someone to feed him. When the two women made their way downstairs, Judy told him to go wake Charlie so they could all have breakfast together.

Henry happily popped up from the couch and headed for the stairs, but not before giving them both a hug, pulling them together. The blonde and the brunette rested their hands on his back, squeezing him closer. Without intending to, Jen laid her hand on top of Judy’s that was already across Henry’s back. They locked eyes on top of the boys head and it was like getting burnt. Jen quickly pulled away when Henry released them.

This time Jen noticed Judy’s confused face but the only thing she could muster was a weak smile, aiming to be reassuring. When the brunette busied herself with toast, Jen cursed quietly. She needed to get herself under control, right _goddamn_ now.

Before long both boys wandered downstairs, sitting on the island only to get their breakfast served only seconds later.

“So, what are you boys going to do today?” Judy was making her normal morning conversation. Henry launched into a colourful explanation of his Holy Harmonies rehearsal and asked would Judy be the one to drop him off.

“I’m so sorry, Henry, I would absolutely love to but I kinda already have plans.” and there was blush on her face, there was no mistake about that.

Each Harding turned their head towards her, waiting for an explanation. Jen had her suspicions but she didn’t want to think too much about that unless she absolutely had to.

“Oh, well.” Judy laughed awkwardly. “I’m meeting with Michelle later.”

Okay, so it seemed like Jen did have to think about the one thing she didn’t want to. Part of her was happy for Judy, because the other woman had not smiled so many days in a row, in a long time. But there was the other, bigger part, of her that wanted to scream, kick things and go absolutely ballistic.

But that wasn’t jealousy. She had actively decided it was not. So it couldn’t be. No matter what anyone would say if she would ever open up, because there was just no way.

“Who’s Michelle?” Henry asked, his eyes wide and innocence lacing every single bit of his voice.

Judy looked at Jen, her own eyes widening and asking for help. Jen had no words to offer right now, as she was trying her hardest to swallow down every bit of ill will she had.

Charlie was looking between the two women, furrowing his brow but not saying anything.

“Well, Michelle is my… friend.” Judy decided this was the best way to go about this.

“What kind of friend?” Charlie asked, playing innocent, but both women could see the knowing smirk.

“A good friend.” Judy looked pointedly at Charlie, suppressing her own smile, but just barely.

“But not as good as my mom, right?” the double meanings were lost on Henry but her pure love for his mom was 100% there.

Jen swallowed her coffee wrong and started couching, which made Charlie laugh loudly. When Jen got her couching under control, she shot a dirty look at her oldest son and subtly showed him her middle finger which made him laugh harder.

Judy looked at the exchange with a fond smile and waited for the two of them to quiet down before she answered Henry’s sweet question.

“Your mom is my very best friend in every possible way.”

Now it was Jen’s turn to be confused, she could almost feel how the forehead wrinkles she was producing right now were working their hardest to become a permanent feature on her face.

She didn’t know what that meant. In this word game it could mean something completely else but she herself knew nothing had ever happened between them. No matter how much she wanted to.

Another sip of coffee ended in the wrong place and this time she had to stand up to couch because there was warm coffee spurting from her nose and it was burning. But not as much as the realisation she had known to be true for the longest of time but that she had never, _ever_ admitted to herself before now.

It was so obvious but there was no way this was ever going to work. There was just too much baggage between them, what with two dead mean, a twin and a lesbian.

The same gentle hand that had held her cheek earlier this morning was laid on her shoulder as calming words were muttered in her ear. She didn’t know how, but it did calm her down. Fucking hell.

“Are you alright?” there was always genuine concern in Judy’s voice whenever she asked that question and even when Jen hardly ever wanted to answer truthfully, she appreciated it all the same.

“Yes, I’m fine.” she was always fine.

“Why did that statement shock you so much?” how such a sweet person was able to produce such a shit-eating grin was beyond Jen, but there it was, plastered on the face she so adored.

“Oh, just the double meaning of it all.” Jen hummed, wiping her face on her sleeve. Most of the coffee was gone but the burn was still there.

“I don’t think Henry understood.” Judy whispered, clearly worried she had overstepped somehow.

Of course Henry didn’t, her sweet baby boy was just too pure for his own good, and she would be damned if they were the ones to ruin his bubbly look on the world.

“Mom, is Judy your best friend as well?”

On a second thought…

Jen turned to face her sons once more, this time both of them looking expectedly at her. There was no smirk on Charlies face either, it was like he too wanted to hear this answer.

“Of course she is.” Jen smiled, and it was the truth.

Their lives were going to be forever tied because of the horrible series of events that had left them both alone, but together. Jen wished there had been another way for Judy to come into her life so they didn’t have to be so scared all the time. But if Jen was honest, there would have been no way for the brunette to break through her barricades if it wasn’t for her emotional state. She never would have made that phone call that started all of this.

And no matter what she was really thankful that she did call.

The soft hand found hers and their fingers laced together like they had been doing that for years.


End file.
